Crying on the path to Cronedom
A Mary Ruefle appreciation post
I have been 45 for all of three weeks, and I am suddenly logging my perimenopausal symptoms and screaming AMEN at every piece of writing I come across by my sisters sharing their experiences in “The Pause,” which thank God are everywhere or I might think I was losing my mind.
For example,
’s piece in The Midst, which cites Mary Ruefle, reminding me that when I first read her essays on “The Pause” years ago it had me looking forward to this phase of life. Like when I first came across Our Bodies, Ourselves and my takeaway was, I can’t wait to give birth. I want to give birth at home! I really know how to romanticize the things women’s bodies do and go through. Alas, the struggle is real. I mean, we are amazing, but it ain’t easy!
So I went back to Mary Ruefle for guidance and came across her Cryalog, shown above. Way more lovely and fascinating than my iPhone note listing mood swings and irritability, PMS headache, joint pain (hip), and less deep sleep. See my Garmin report. I did not sleep for 9 hours and 28 minutes, but I do believe I only got 28 minutes of the 60-120 minutes recommended for deep sleep that night (and most nights, despite chewing magnesium gummies religiously now).
Maybe I should start a Cryalog! I have been crying a lot more. Mostly, I feel like a teenager again, unable to “get in front of” my feelings, as my favorite yoga teacher
describes it. Her classes on Glo are helping me, but the surges are something to contend with. I can’t say it better than in her recent piece, “My Best Worst Perimenopause Symptom is Rage.”The rage even feels like a hot flash. It starts from zero, deep in the center of my chest, and radiates outward like a blast. The triggers are unpredictable—but not trivial. The things that enrage me right now should enrage me; they always should have. Only a warm, nurturing blanket of estrogen and progesterone kept me from telling everyone and everything to stick their behavior right up their asses, apparently.
After working so hard for decades on coping with rage, I want so desperately to get in front of these feelings so that I am not lashing out or reverting back to my teenage behaviors.
Suddenly, stories I have heard about Moms make a lot of sense to me. For example, one person I know told me that when his parents divorced, his mom cried every single day for months and months. Sounds like depression, I guess, I thought. But now I know she was probably entering The Pause. Another friend recently told me that when her mom entered The Pause her dad told the kids, Your mom is going to be difficult for a while, but there will be an end. And he was right, it was a bumpy few years and then everything went back to normal.
Readers, I do not want to have a bumpy few years. I have had enough of those already. Which is to say, I am ready to take this on with all the coping skills I have learned, all the community and family support I can muster, amen.
One tiny tactic is forcefully focusing on the things bringing me joy, trying to let the other things fade in the background.
So, what is bringing me joy? This bowl. It makes every meal look beautiful and healthy. It makes me want to make salad. Is the salad curing my perimenopause symptoms? It doesn’t appear to be. But when I buy East Fork’s seconds I get to channel my rage into community support. Wins all around.
Tips and tricks from Crones on the other side most welcome.
My tarot card for the month of March is the Queen of Swords, also known as the Mother of Swords in some decks. And since, ultimately, this piece is a Mary Ruefle appreciation post, I’m going to go ahead and say she embodies this card. If someone wants to make the deck where Mary Ruefle is the Queen of Swords, I will buy it.
Mallon describes the Queen of Swords thusly:The Queen of Swords embodies authenticity. She knows who she is and she shows up in the world as who she is. She is also a master at delivering knowledge with a sense of humor.
I just love this Daniel Martin Diaz illustration, described in the Earth Magick Hermetic Prophecies book by Mariia Snebjørk Damkjær this way:
Intellectual, knowledgeable and analytical describes this Queen of Swords. Introverted, alienated, reserved and cold represent her shadow aspects. Though she does not convey much in conversation, she is extremely wise with words and sharp as a blade when it comes to cutting to the core of things.
Honestly, she looks like she is about to burst into tears.
This is EXACTLY what my Garmin sleep readings look like right now. Can a person survive on so little deep sleep? WE'LL FIND OUT.